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MySpace = MyNightmare

Submitted by Todd Tomlinson on November 28, 2006 - 6:29pm.

My oldest daughter -- through her friends at school -- has discovered MySpace. Her mom told her that she would be monitoring what was going on her site and checked it out the other night. She found that my daughter had accepted invitations from two guys who said they were teenagers (my daughter is 13) and they convinced my daughter to give them her phone number. Now she's getting phone calls from these guys during all hours. I received a "dad come and get me" phone call on Sunday night (after driving 5 hours in the snow back from Sunriver). When I asked why she said that she didn't want to be at her moms house right now. The issue is that her mom told her about all the dangers of mySpace and she just didn't want to hear it from her mom. I did pick her up and took her out to dinner to talk and we discussed the risks. My daughter was more mad at herself than mad at her mom. One thing to know about my oldest daughter is that she's an A student at Cornerstone Christian Church and is a model student and child. In her entire life I think I've only had to discipline her maybe once -- she's just a the nicest and most kind person on the planet.

So my question to my dad peers -- should I:

1) Ask her mom to disable internet access
2) Ask her mom to block myspace
3) Continue to reinforce the dangers of myspace but assume that she now understands
4) Ask her mom to continue to monitor her myspace account

The issue with 1,2 and 4 is that my daughter has been the perfect child. She's always getting student of the week and Christian Character awards. Should I go back to doing what I've always done and that is trusting her -- or for those of you who have teenagers (this is my first) be on the watch?

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What did you end up doing about the Internet?

Submitted by RickPalmer on December 19, 2006 - 10:19am.

How did things pan out Todd?

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Raise kids to handle the world, but in appropriate stages

Submitted by RickPalmer on November 28, 2006 - 8:05pm.

My girls are a few years younger than yours, but they love to spend time on the web (neopets.com, everythinggirl.com, nintendogs.com, etc). They usually click on one of the desktop icons I've created for them, but they're smart enough to use the keyboard... even my 5-year old son can type nickjr.com in the browser address bar, so it won't be long before I'll be dealing with the same situation that you're describing.

I like Tim Kimmel's approach in his book titled Grace-Based Parenting, and that is to raise kids who are able to deal with the world, not kids who are sheltered from the world. BUT (and a key BUT) we need to protect them from things that can permanently damage their lives, and yet teach them how to deal with those things more and more themselves as they get older.

I believe our job as parents is to provide instruction and guidance, but to also let kids make mistakes in an environment where their mistakes don't cost them their lives (or permanent damage to their lives). Too often people shelter their kids from every imaginable harm, only to find that they've raised kids who can't wait to jump into harms way as soon as their helicopter parents look away - yep, that was me growing up- or who are clueless with how to handle themselves in a dangerous world.

So I wouldn't block internet access altogether - that would be going to the extreme. I think 2, 3, and 4 are appropriate steps to take for a 13-year old. You can unblock myspaces.com at some point as she gets older, and if the two of you think there's some content that's worth all the other distractions on that site.

By the time she ventures out on her own she should be able to make her own choices about what sites she visits, but in the meantime I think it's appropriate to dole out that responsibility and privilege in small doses.

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