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Twas the Nightmare before Christmas

Submitted by Todd Tomlinson on December 5, 2006 - 5:55am.

Every year about this time the angst about where we go for Christmas and who we spend what time with begins. Everyone grows up with "traditions" and when you marry someone you're trying to weld two different traditions together into a solution that makes everyone happy. The problem with that is everyone can't be happy because traditions often overlap or conflict with each other. The end result -- someone isn't talking to someone else because "they" messed up the 50 years of tradition of doing "X" on the morning of "Y" -- and I walk around with a knot in my stomach because I know that someone is going to be unhappy -- removing the happiness from celebrating the birth of Christ and the gifts that He has bestowed on all of us. So the decision that I am faced with is when is enough -- enough? When do you say "its time for my own little family to have their own traditions, and we'll fit into other peoples schedules as we can?" And the follow-up question -- how do you communicate that decision to everyone else so that you don't become "the bad guy" -- the one that ruined Christmas for everyone else because I'm so selfish and want things my way?

Todd Tomlinson
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Protect your family

Submitted by RickPalmer on December 11, 2006 - 5:51am.

It's never too soon to set boundaries that protect your precious family time. And you don't have to sugar-coat it either, nor control how others respond to it.

I had to do that with my family several years ago, with my parents and my brothers. I think their initial expectation even before we had kids was that we would always get together for holidays - ya know, like we did growing up.

My wife and I have our own traditions that are important to us though, and while we're thankful to have family close by, it's my immediate family that's Priority Number One. We get together with extended family (parents and brothers) for holidays and other occasions when we're able to, but not every time. And we try to reserve Christmas day for our immediate family, to build our own traditions.

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The Other Side Of The Coin

Submitted by Steve Edwards on December 11, 2006 - 2:26pm.

Then there are those of us on the other side - we don't have family that wants to spend holidays with us. My wife and I both have brothers that live close by, but they always spend their time with their wives' families. My brother's wife has managed to pull my brother away to spending most of their time with her family, and they squeeze us in on Christmas Eve and an occasional Thanksgiving and other things like birthdays. My wife and her brother grew up with alcoholic parents, and because of that, he doesn't want anything to do with any of his family, even though my wife didn't do anything to him. We see her mom quite a bit, but her dad spends most of his time with his friends. We would spend a lot of time with my folks if they lived here, but they live in Arizona and seem to be set on staying there. We're pretty active in church, and I've always hoped that friends there might invite us to spend holidays with them, but everyone is pretty focused on spending holidays with their families.

My point is not to be a downer, but just to point out that there is another side. I wish I had your problem, Rick. My wife and I would love to have family that wanted to get together all the time, and I know my kids would, too. Be grateful that you have family close by that loves you and wants to spend time with you; not all of us are so fortunate.

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It's not that we don't ever want to - just not always

Submitted by RickPalmer on December 11, 2006 - 3:30pm.

Thanks Steve - I hear ya and would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.

I didn't mean to imply that we don't like to spend time with my extended family. We do, and are looking forward to spending the 23rd over at my folks house (though we'll spend the actual Christmas day with just me, my wife, and my kids).

But when we were first married and had kids, we wanted to also be able to start our own traditions, and didn't want to feel locked into the obiligitory "spend _every_ holiday with the extended family" thing. Growing up it was always assumed that we'd do Christmas at mom's house, so it was a bit of a shake up that first year when we wanted to do it at my house, and not on Christmas day.

Does that make sense?

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